D.I.C.K.S

German car drivers. I don’t mean Germans who drive cars, but drivers of German cars, particularly BMWs. You all know them, the ones who take up two parking spaces, the ones bombing past you at break-neck speed in the fog with no lights on, or the ones driving up the middle of the road coming towards you without any intention of moving over. You know who I mean.

I believe that when a driver purchases their first BMW they are sent on a special course to unlearn all that is right and fair about driving on the our roads. I also believe that BMW build into their vehicles, anti-spatial awareness windows.

You know that feeling when you drive into a busy town car park and you drive around and around looking for a spot to park in, and suddenly you see one. That feeling of joy hits you, that feeling of relief engulfs your mind, followed quickly by that feeling of dread that someone else may have also seen it and will beat you to it. Quickly, you drive in the direction of the vacant space, “Quick, quick, quick before anyone comes…” You get to it “Yes this space is MINE all mine ha ha ha!!!....WHAT! What the f…. NOooooo!!!” There sat in your space, the space you were willing to sell your soul to the devil for not two minutes ago sits half of a B…M…W!!! In fact, not even half a car, but just the front wing as the driver reversed into his space half-cocked and then added insult to injury by leaving its extra wide wheels on full lock taking up even more of your coveted car park space.

Now was that the anti-spatial awareness windows working the way the Bayerische Motoren Werke designed them to work or was it lesson one of the BMW unlearn to drive course, be inconsiderate to other road users section.

Another example of the anti-spatial awareness windows, or what I will now refer to by the TLA or three-letter abbreviation, as A.S.A. windows coming into play is when you're a happily driving along minding your own business, radio playing in the background when suddenly you see coming at you that other dreaded TLA…BMW. Is it going to move? Of course, it is, surely it has to, doesn't look like it will, no it's getting closer. You virtually have to drive yourself into a ditch or a passing pedestrian to avoid scraping sides or colliding door mirrors. The driver of the BMW has obviously taken the Driver Inconsideration Course Knowledge or D.I.C.K. for short. They drive past oblivious to all around them.

Another D.I.C.K. lesson is ‘how to pee people off when the road narrows'. You know the one where you are driving along a dual-carriageway and a road sign informs you that the outer lane will close in two miles. No problem, you and all the non-German cars move over at steady pace over the two miles to carry on smoothly along your merry way. This lane will be closed in 200 yards. Every BMW driver takes that as an open invitation to go full pelt on the soon to be closed lane to get in front of all the sensible non-Teutonic car drivers. 100 yards, you look in your mirror to see even more of them joining the ‘BMW only lane’. 50 yards and your smooth steady progress is brought to a grinding halt, bottle-necked by the “I need to be in front, me me me, I’m better than you” brigade. D.I.C.Ks.